Mom Guilt

I’ve fallen into a funk. It’s this self-perpetuating cycle of guilt that is hard to shake off. My number one job is to take care of my beautiful baby girl, but it’s not enough, and so I feel guilty. My body created a life, went through hell to deliver it and is still nourishing my greatest pride and joy, but it’s flabby, and so I feel guilty. I worked like a dog through my 20’s in a fast paced environment, now I’m being paid to stay home and watch my little girl grow while others do the work, and I feel guilty. These are some of the best days of my life and I  am so happy yet at the same time manage to feel blue, and so I feel guilty.

The really fun part is when you get inside your own head and you worry. What if she gets sick? What if I screw her up? What if she doesn’t know how much I love her? What if I drop her? What if I turn around and she falls? What if she hates school and doesn’t want to get an education? What if she gets bullied? How am I going to protect her? How am I going to make sure she can handle herself? How can I nurture her independence while protecting her from the the darkest harshness of the world?

I torture myself. And for what? What does it accomplish? Nothing.

So I watch Grey’s Anatomy to lose myself in the drama of a show and then, guess what? I feel guilty.

Welcome to motherhood. It’s a healthy dose of guilt peppered with worry, fear, anxiety and complete bliss.

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And remember to breath…

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Winter is coming

It seems completely appropriate to be sitting in my onesie pj’s at the moment as we’ve had our first snow fall. It started last night and woke up this morning and the snow stuck. There is white stuff all over the place. Summer is behind me and fall is close to finished. Time is going at a light speed snails pace. You probably understand what I mean by that if you’ve been home with a baby. Seasons are an indication of time progressing. I think that’s why that first snow fall is always so significant. It’s a jolt which reminds you the summer is over. Canada Day was a few moons ago…

Red did something cool today. She rolled over. During tummy time, which she hates, she suddenly started pushing herself onto her side. The Panch was getting in her way and I turned around for two seconds to deal with him then I turn back around and she’s on her back! Of course she hasn’t done it again since. I know there will be many more roll overs to come but the amount of pride and excitement I felt is unbelievable. Literally, unbelievable. The things I get excited about these days are so odd, like her poop for example. Or when she first started making sounds. I love her so much. It’s unreal. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much or to be this invested in someone.

I’ve stopped counting calories and instead am watching what I eat. I’m not eating past 7 PM  and if I do give into snacking it’s a celery stick or hot chocolate or tea. I’m 9 lbs away from the weight I was at when I met the cyclist and 19 lbs away from my target. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be the same weight I was in my early 20’s when my metabolism wasn’t taking so many coffee breaks but if I can get there before baby number two that would be ideal.

Other than those walks (which might be less frequent given the weather at the moment.) I still haven’t found an activity that’s nearby, doesn’t conflict with the schedule I attempt to keep Red on and that I’d actually want to do. I’ll keep doing research, it will come.

The house closes in two weeks, that should keep me pretty busy for awhile. Moving sucks but knowing this is the last move I make for a very VERY long time is fantastic. I’m excited about paint, dishwashers and low flow toilets too. Unbelievably Adulted.

Gratitude Attitude?

The cyclist tells me every day that I’m gorgeous and sexy and then promptly makes a pass at me. He’ll flirt with me and kiss me and say all the things a supportive husband is supposed to say. This whole thing is about me. My own insecurity and my own health.

When I was doing the countdown to 30 in this blog I did something that I really shouldn’t have stopped and that’s the practice of gratitude. It’s not often I sit down and reflect on all of the things I am grateful for in my life right now because I do have so much to be grateful for. Why is it that people like to focus on what they don’t have instead of what they do? I don’t have my pre-baby body but I do have a beautiful baby who lights up my world. I don’t have a stimulating face-paced life style at the moment but I do have time. So much so that I’m starting to show up for things on time. It’s a miracle!

One of my most favourite things to do is lay in bed with the cyclist, Red and the Panch and just breath.Motherhood is a blessing for me. I’m going to spend more time reflecting on the things I am grateful for. Keep it positive.

Last night was better, I ate two celery sticks and a carrot when I got the munchies and my appetite is starting to shrink. Progress.

The skinny

My daughter, Red, is about to be four months old. I am still wearing maternity clothes and yoga pants have become my new best friend. I went a full week counting calories and eating celery sticks paired with evening walks around the neighbourhood with my husband. However, by the end of the second week I binge ate basically an entire order of breadsticks and cinnamon bun sticks from a local pizza place…not ideal.

I can’t stress enough how happy I am right now. I’m going to look back on these days as a golden time – some of the happiest days. Here comes the “but”…BUT my body has morphed into something I don’t recognize anymore and it’s been a long time since I looked in the mirror and thought to myself : ” Damn, you’re looking good you little sex kitten!”

I’m staring week three in the face and somehow need to find a balance between week one and week two. One of the problems I’m running into is I’m starting to snack out of boredom. Although every moment with my daughter is precious, when she sleeps, I eat. I quit smoking when I got pregnant and really don’t want to pick up the habit again .So at night when I used to have a smoke before bed, I am fighting the craving while simultaneously fighting the impulse to eat something instead. Oh, and then there is wine. I am breastfeeding and so I really shouldn’t be drinking it, I might indulge in a glass here and there but I can’t use wine as a crutch and wine has stupid calories in it too so there is that.  I also need to motivate myself to work out. Ugh. Recovering from surgery was long and painful and so I barely did any physical exercise.  I used to do all sorts of activities from boot camp to yoga to pole fitness. I was lean and relatively in shape and today I am fat, out of shape but happier than ever. Funny how that happens, eh?

Now that I’ve outlined by obstacles and excuses, I need a plan.

Full disclosure: I skipped a free baby and me yoga class I was planning on attending to write this blog.I’m doing great!

 

 

Feeling 32…

It was two months ago I celebrated the second anniversary of my 29th birthday. My life changed…a lot. I met the cyclist, a country boy making his way in the city, around my 30th birthday. We did it. Then we dated. We traveled. We fell in love. We moved in together. We got engaged. We found out we were pregnant. We got married. We got a dog, a chihuahua named Pancho. We had a Canada Day baby girl, let’s call her Red. We got a mortgage. We bought a house. We invested in an RESP for her education. We bought life insurance. We grew up. As my sister put it, we are no longer “adulting” we are “adulted.”

Here I am, two years later and fully adulted. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. They say life begins at 30. My 20’s were spent having a lot of fun, making a lot of mistakes, and learning a lot about my self-worth and value. Now, in my 30’s, I’m armed with confidence, yet still considered young. I mean, maybe not to 15 year old but who cares what a 15 year old thinks.

I’ve decided to pick up the blogging again, for two reasons. One, I have all sorts of time while I’m enjoying maternity leave with my beautiful daughter. The conversations are a little one-sided but I am grateful for every coo and laugh and giggle. Two, I’ve made the decision to make a true effort to lose the baby weight. I am two years older and twenty pounds heavier. Here goes.

Day 30

Was this little adventure what I expected it to be? Not at all. That’s the thing about life, it isn’t what you expect it to be. What fun would that be though? In truth, the unexpected things are some of the best things. 

I’ve had a chance to reflect on the past decade. The best decisions. The worst decisions. The moments of sheer happiness where I’ve felt like I was on top of the world or those moments of fear, failure and feeling complete defeat. It’s been a real journey and I’ve found a self-awareness, an understanding, of myself. It’s a great gift. I know I have a lot more to learn and experience but I know myself. The best thing that has happened for me during my 20’s is an acceptance of who I am. I am not a perfect person but I think I’m good one. I’m cool with that. 

I spent the last 30 days feeling grateful for what I have. We get so caught up in what we are yet to achieve and the things we want that we make ourselves miserable. It’s such an easy fix. It’s just a little attitude adjustment. That’s it. That’s all it takes. I still have goals and ambitions but I’m savouring the steps – the hike up the mountain of life. Won’t that make the view at the top that much sweeter?  

Exercise is essential not only for health of your body but for your mental health as well. It feels good to be active. Turning off that television ensured that I was. That being said, I can’t wait to sit down and just watch a movie. I’ve kind of missed that. Especially during those rainy days. 

I do enjoy cooking and it was nice to get creative with the items in my cupboard. There were some nights that I was eating cereal or microwaved some tacos but there were also some feasts…and I have to say it’s nice to know how to cook with a delicious gruyère instead of you know…cheese whiz. 

I know what you’re all really wondering about…did I end up with a six-pack after all of those crunches?

The answer is?

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Yes. Yes I did. 

 

Day 28 & 29

What a great weekend. Just perfect. I can’t talk about it because what happens in Montreal stays in Montreal.

My family time was just lovely, I was surprised with a delicious cheese cake by my folks on Sunday before they headed out.

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I feel really blessed. Truly.